Monthly Archives: October 2004

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Tears flow into ink… emotions dance in the rain


I feel that I really need to put these lyrics here


(It would be nice if we could put away and throw out
    everything except what really mattered, but
    reality is just cruel.
In such times,
    I see you laughing
    whenever I close my eyes.
Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
    that smiling face will
    have to stay with me without fail.


People are all sad, so
    they go and forget, but–


For that which I should love,
    For that which gives me love, I will do what I can.
Back then, when we met,
    it was all awkward.
    We went the long way, didn’t we?
    We got hurt, didn’t we?
Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
    that smiling face will
    have to stay with me without fail.
Back then, when we met,
    it was all awkward.
    We went the long way, didn’t we?
    We got there in the end.)
This song is a perfect explanation of how I feel.  “I see you laughing” taunting me.  This “you” is the illusion of friendship.  I know I have people who care for me, but for that I am thankful.  But it is for those that I have built so much on that have let me down.  When they are busy everyday I begin to ask what does busy mean?  When will eternal sleep come?  The only rest from the tires of this world.  I can not take anymore the emotional baggage.  People have forgotten… I feel forgotten, lonely.  I have called someones name and in reply I here myself talking again, with the illusion that I might have a friend. Oh friend, “that smiling face.”  But “people… they go and forget” But I don’t forget.  I remmber every extorious memory but that may have been all it was.  A bit of extasy to bye on for a short time.  An illusion of happiness.  This poem wich I scribed in the early parts of the latter year still rings true for me. 


” The Extasy of Pain”


/The sorrow and anguish of the deepest hurt


Is a merry state of a thousand lilies


Yet it cuts like blades and piercies like thistles


Nothing in the toung of mankind can articulate its agony


It is a frustrating mesh of mirkie swamp


In them one drowns…


and suffer


Pain, indeed, is brought by sorrow


but as it cuts it hollows a place of haven


you can’t describe it, for its description has no bounds


but it reeps an extasy


in it I am joyful…


for a short time


but then the reek of the pain comes


O from the etching of the walls which wre hollowed in pain


it brings the truth of a haunted legacy


dancying in the joy shrouds my discomfort


in a swiril of happiness I hide my inequaties


A perfect rythem


Smooth and unsticauo like the currents of the abyys


do I make my dwelling here


in a illusion, an emotion, a feeling…


a lie


a constant migration of moods from emotion to emotion


emotions caused by happiness in turn caused by secruity from the pain


the pain that brings safe haven


it is a ridgid circle this extasy and pain


 


This is how pain is happy, it reeps extasy


hides pain and gives hope


is ther anything better


but everything still is as it is


Most of my feelings on this matter come from the fact that I have to leave RSA which brings me back to the realization how fake happiness is.  And how lonely reality is.  I do even say that I no longer know what the word lonely means.  As the defeiniton is lost in me and I in it; it becomes bigger then me, i can’t see the whole picture anymore.  I live now on a small strand.  On the verg of death it is only my will see the light at the end of the tunnle which I can not see but know is there.  Also known as faith, though it to is waining.  I call now on the name of God to reveal to me his precepts and his plan for this before I die upon the lonely isles. 


Though not my own I still have a few words of wisdom:








God will judge everything, even what is done in secret, the good and the evil.
Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

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It is important that we have faith.  There needs to be foundation in our lives.


It has been a while since I have last written.  Alot has happned in the last week and two days.  This last weekend I had an interesting disscussion amongst fellow youth at First English Luthren Church.  We talked about the style of worship in our two locations and the differences between synods ie. ELCA, WELs.  I have tarried hours and hours of effort into the documernty on early japanese issue and have completed it although I was dissapointed that I was not able to spend as much time editing as I would have liked but at least it is finished.  In communication arts II we read an intersting expert from Desert Exile by _ Uchida.  It is the second expert from that paticualar book that I have read. I should just take the time and read the book because it is very intersting and reveals a detestable evil in our countries history, a little more extrreme but similar to the Patriot Act.  It chornicals Uchida’s time in a Japanese interment camp.  I have also been under work at many other things lately.  My mother is making me go back to Kimbelry High School at the end of the quarter wich will be a decent homecoming but a sad comparsent to all the blessings RSA has had to offer.  I pray, as do others, that I will still be able to attend Rennisance even though I will not be enrolled in an Appleton school.  God bless all.


Words of Wisdom:






Your enemies will speak many unmentionable words and scorn your ability. What could be more painful than this?
Bhagavad-Gita 2:36

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Saterday I went to homecomming with Bridget, we had a blast.  We at at chef chu’s, which is an awsome reasturant that is not overtly expensive so if you live in the valley try it out.  Sunday was anouther good God time, Pastures Steve’s messge was really good- should have been there.  Anyways, Monday I watched kids at the First Englsih Lutheran church’s nursery.  Today I had play rehersal, dance only.  I was totally confused.  I am compiling a video on earlier parts of Japanese history which will be way cool if i can pull it off.  Love to all.


Words of Wisdom:






Those who have faith and do righteous deeds; they are the best of creatures.
Quran 98:7

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The rest of the week has fairn pretty well.  Church on Wenday was awsome and I had a great conversation/prayer time with God.  Friday I went to kimbely’s football game which was not that exciting.  God bless all!


Words of Wisdom:






The one who has faith, and is sincere, and has mastery over the senses, gains this knowledge. Having gained this, one at once attains the supreme peace.
Bhagavad-Gita 4:39

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Today was splenid.  Wonderful day at school exept that I felt some tenison between me and my friend Anna and me and Mrs. Kort.  I had great fun thrifting scored big.  Pasture Brian had an awsome message and I spent some way cool time with God.  Thanks faithful readers. God blessings to all.


Words of Wisdom:






All beings follow their nature. Even the wise act according to their own nature. What, then, is the value of sense restraint?
Bhagavad-Gita 3:33

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Today was great.  I feel really good.  This weekend I celebrated my brothers birthday on Friday, woot woot.  Monday we celebrated it again.  And today i spent time with my Grandma who is going to AZ.  God’s blessings to all.


 


Words of Wisdom:






Those who desire the life of the present and its glitter, to them we shall pay the price of their deeds therein–without diminution.
Quran 11:15

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Hmm, today was full of postive light provided by Christ who is thee light.  I morn in lonely exile without him.  And without him I would be lost like sheep without a shepard.  I opened my day in a wonderful video on Ancient China.  Prosedded watching anouther movie with Shakspearean dialect.  I look forward to a wonderful retreat from the outside world this weekend.  The leaves are falling and they float to the Earth outside of my bedroom window.  I have put my faith in God and restored my heart to his desire therefore putting aside all selfishness and have entered a complete sense of humility and content only offered through Christ.  Thank for being there for me Bridget.  “We all  need someone to lean on.” sometimes.  God blessing to all.


Words of Wisdom:   To you be your Way, and to me mine. Quran 109:6