Tears flow into ink… emotions dance in the rain
I feel that I really need to put these lyrics here
(It would be nice if we could put away and throw out
everything except what really mattered, but
reality is just cruel.
In such times,
I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes.
Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
that smiling face will
have to stay with me without fail.
People are all sad, so
they go and forget, but–
For that which I should love,
For that which gives me love, I will do what I can.
Back then, when we met,
it was all awkward.
We went the long way, didn’t we?
We got hurt, didn’t we?
Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
that smiling face will
have to stay with me without fail.
Back then, when we met,
it was all awkward.
We went the long way, didn’t we?
We got there in the end.)
This song is a perfect explanation of how I feel. “I see you laughing” taunting me. This “you” is the illusion of friendship. I know I have people who care for me, but for that I am thankful. But it is for those that I have built so much on that have let me down. When they are busy everyday I begin to ask what does busy mean? When will eternal sleep come? The only rest from the tires of this world. I can not take anymore the emotional baggage. People have forgotten… I feel forgotten, lonely. I have called someones name and in reply I here myself talking again, with the illusion that I might have a friend. Oh friend, “that smiling face.” But “people… they go and forget” But I don’t forget. I remmber every extorious memory but that may have been all it was. A bit of extasy to bye on for a short time. An illusion of happiness. This poem wich I scribed in the early parts of the latter year still rings true for me.
” The Extasy of Pain”
/The sorrow and anguish of the deepest hurt
Is a merry state of a thousand lilies
Yet it cuts like blades and piercies like thistles
Nothing in the toung of mankind can articulate its agony
It is a frustrating mesh of mirkie swamp
In them one drowns…
and suffer
Pain, indeed, is brought by sorrow
but as it cuts it hollows a place of haven
you can’t describe it, for its description has no bounds
but it reeps an extasy
in it I am joyful…
for a short time
but then the reek of the pain comes
O from the etching of the walls which wre hollowed in pain
it brings the truth of a haunted legacy
dancying in the joy shrouds my discomfort
in a swiril of happiness I hide my inequaties
A perfect rythem
Smooth and unsticauo like the currents of the abyys
do I make my dwelling here
in a illusion, an emotion, a feeling…
a lie
a constant migration of moods from emotion to emotion
emotions caused by happiness in turn caused by secruity from the pain
the pain that brings safe haven
it is a ridgid circle this extasy and pain
This is how pain is happy, it reeps extasy
hides pain and gives hope
is ther anything better
but everything still is as it is
Most of my feelings on this matter come from the fact that I have to leave RSA which brings me back to the realization how fake happiness is. And how lonely reality is. I do even say that I no longer know what the word lonely means. As the defeiniton is lost in me and I in it; it becomes bigger then me, i can’t see the whole picture anymore. I live now on a small strand. On the verg of death it is only my will see the light at the end of the tunnle which I can not see but know is there. Also known as faith, though it to is waining. I call now on the name of God to reveal to me his precepts and his plan for this before I die upon the lonely isles.
Though not my own I still have a few words of wisdom:
 |
| God will judge everything, even what is done in secret, the good and the evil. |
| Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 |
