quite a side note
i have been stuck in the glories of June for a while here and so much has happened this summer to distract me from some of the things that are really bothering me. I went back and read some of my old entries from rsa. gosh i really miss it. i am going to mis it so much. guys i need your help, that is rsa people. i feel like i am dieing in a my body. squelched. i feel like am wasting away, rotting. i will be fed to the vultures at kimbelry. i just feel like i have been so out of touch with my friends. and oh the golries of the past. i can’t believe my mom has made me come back to kimberly. what did she think she was doing. she makes now sense. it just bothers me so much. i mean theres times like i just start crying and i ask myself why am i crying an then it hits me that next year is just really going to suck. i mean it probably will turn out fine. but it is not going to be like rennisance. its like when a young one finds a butterfly and it is such joy. beuaty, and you dance with it. and then someone comes in and rips the wings of before your eyes. and that beuaty is not only gone but there is a scar in your eyes. i have tried to “make the best of it” it is just not practicle to go on and try and decive yourself. i really am bumbed. i really am deppressed. i really felt i like i belonged at west, at rsa. there was sense of pride that i had acomplished something for myself by getting there and there and the hell out of here. and just living. and expeiancing what it is like to dance with that butterfly. i tell you on the outside i try to make things look good but on the inside i am wasting away. i think of the people and the teachers and i just feel yeah thats my home but then its like damit. damit damit damit. its so hard. it stings and hurts and i know i don’t swear so much but it just hearts so damn bad. its like this really good dream and then you wake up and its kind of like a nightmare. or the deam was just so good you wish you could just go back to sleep and fall back in to the warm waters and radient colors. i still don’t get why my mom had to rip that butterfly for. it was so beatiful. and why did she wake me up from that dream. afterall whats wrong with dreaming. are we allowed to dream. i am really going to miss marsha to prepare for history in the morning before class. and katie as we disscuss different shakespearon drama and play with accents and just have a world of fun being ourselves. and when katie would pick the rat up and i would feak out just because i could. i miss ryan and why the hell can’t remmeber her name. what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t i ever remmember names. anyways when we would discuss non trig/anaylte things when we were suupposed to be working. and hell even ms. framfelter sharing her stories. and why not thats just west no. and then i get into rsa and i just can’t. maybe i am overreacting but its just so hard leaving. why would you choose to leave. luke? anyways, i can’t stop to think about sitting in that dusty hallway talking to alyysa. or under the tree in the frontyard talking about taking pictures of peace like beuatiful butterflys. and having a hell of a time. what about drawing something and realizing that you actully can draw, i thank mrs. voight for that one. and what about singing sanskrit for ms. vosters. and having some intamate moments in dance contact. and what about just having fun going to school, doing what you love to do with the people you love to be with. listeing to joe play music after hours with a couple others. or just listen to poems in mrs. korts class. i seem to have lost my ferver. oh what. oh what. oh what. why can’t i ramble. its hard spending a whole year telling yourself you belong and really belonging and all that and then being uprooted. think about the poor people in gaza. they belonged. all there lives and then the govement just comes in and tells them to leave. thanks alot bush for that one. fighting a war on terror and then giving fifty million to the plo, known to promote terrorism in israel. oh what. oh what. oh what. i don’t think i will miss lindsey speaking her cazy snl accent. or just chillen with falin with hugs and close conversation. its hard leaving. Thank God, really thank God I have Christ. there is no way this transition would be possible without Him. He is my only hope in this coming year. i really do love erin dearly though, she will be well loved by me. i have this awful feeling about going back to kimbelry like all the choir/theater people are going to ostrasize me becasue i left. and more, what if become like fodder. i just feel like they may have there established click and i just don’t fit. hell its kimbelry. no offesne to any kimabelianites. but i can’t stand the clickiness. those stupid unwritten rules about who can hang out with who. nobody is really accepted. everything must be carfully anayzed before spoken in fear of condemnation. i can’t even ask to hang out with someone and i get that stare like who the hell are you. what oh what. and why. Oh God please help me find hope. please help me trust in you. I dont’ know what next year holds, it could hold great things. I love all of you readers. and peace and love a sernity to you all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.