Peru entry 15:
I am wandering in Limbo now. Dancing on a lonely thread between masculinity and feminity. I am like a periwinkle particle stuck between forms. I am a ghost particle. Slipping in and out. From sanity to insanity and enlightment to ignorance. I am weeping, alone in the dark. My faint light diminishs and I close my eyes. Whoe will save me from this akward form, this form that does not belong in the former or the later. I live in the grey line between ying and yang. And yet in confusion I can’t seem to stumble to either side. I am a lone periwinlke particle in this grey abode. Alone? I call on His name,and even in the grey abbyys He picks me up. Above it all.
“I have made a covanent with my eyes that I will not look lustfully at a man.” this is a covenant I made to my self with God as one to help me throught it. I have been stuggling in the sense not that I look and lust but the concept of just abstaning from any form of companionship. I mean, i can’t date a guy because i would be transgressing the law, which i have no desire to date that really comes from my inner parts but i am not yet ready to date a girl. i don’t understand my own masculinty enough. and the attractions are frankly just not quite there yet. they are, but they are faint. and diminsish in the light of my sexual attractions to the same sex. I pray that God would countine to keep my thought life under control. I pray for the fruit of the Spirit which is self control. I also pray that God my Father would help me understand what it means to be a masculine being. being confused is hard. I don’t want to be here anymore. I need God’s comfort in this season of trial that I may persevere to the end and endure all things as enabled by the Spirit. If anyone reads this please pray for me, thanks.
side note: i have really been depressed latley but I am getting back up. thats always a good thing.
Peru entry 14
There was this little girl, she looked so full of despair, so used, abused. and it hated it. i wanted to cry right theree. but i did not. i turned the other way, i shut the curtian, i closed my eyes. it’s so easy to just close your eyes, shut the curtain. but i wont. i will rise to reality and try to make it better.
well got sick
from the altitude
into agonyizing headaches
tombs of the dead
If I left a prayer in my private journle entries I will alwasy leave a verse here so readers know.
“Jephthah the Gileadite was one tough warrior. He was the son of a whore, but Gilead was his father.”-Judges 11:1
My first day was fine i guess. boring as all first days are. i will never forget rsa and the all the smells there though. of couarse i have realized that there are simillar smells at kimbelry to. a faint one was int he choir room today, and int lit. They just don’t intoxcicate you here, you enjoy them in the subtle doses you find them.
back to Peru
Peru entry 13
I was balling, I don’t think I will forget them. They touched my life in a way I will never forget. They accepted me, loved me and called out and affiremed my masculinnity. It was one of the most fufilling realities I have yet experienced. Amen.