I can’t believe I am leaving today!
my new blog is set up for when I am in Denmark
I will still probably use this blog but I am not sure.
grace and peace,
This is the first entry of my blog writings while I am at Copehagen International Master’s Commision. I leave Friday-two days. I am very excited. This blog is a place for…
- Prayer Requests
- Personal/spirtual reflections
- Things going on at CIMC
- A way to communicate with friends and family
- and video if the oppurtunity arises
This blog is primarliy going to be writing. Current prayer requests are
- That rest of the money come in (aka provision-that God will suply)
- Prepardness- that everything will be in order ie. passport
- I am trying to see if I can bring a bike and set up a phone there with a U.S. number to communicate with family while I am away
- and last but not least, saftey while traveling
Thanks to all of you and God bless,
edit for import.
in the up, it is good.
Sometimes despair takes us to tears before we can find hope in the breath of God.
well, last night i was sexually harassed at work. i don’t want to make a big deal out of a little thing but at the same time I think it is important to share for awareness reasons. As I was walking out of the store (getting carts, near closing) two gentlemen asked me if the store was still open. I said that the store closed at ten thirty-three and therefore we were open, briefly. Then one of them asked out loud (although not necessarily to me) if I was gay. I just kind of shrugged it off and got carts. I had a feeling that this was demoniacally motivated because it played right into the struggles I was having those very moments and throughout the last week or so which consisted of whether or not people perceive me as gay or effeminate not and in all honesty what it would be like if I went to going back to living a gay lifestyle (maybe a “gay Christian). Not that I was really thinking about doing this but a lot of doubts have been plaguing my mind and i just was thinking about as to “what would it be like.” I was also thinking of this because I have met a couple people who are gay and “Christian” and don’t see a problem with it at all. It was in the midst of all of these struggles that the incident with the two men occurred. After I brought in the full number of carts I went to the bathroom and headed back to my registrar. By this time these two men were bagging their groceries so I helped them. It become more clear that they (or at least one of them) was intoxicated. (this all supports my brought open by demonic influence theory since drugs act as venues to aid demonic activity). One of them was trying to apologize for his friend and his friend was like “what, you were the one who asked him if he was gay.” and then the other guy was like “you were the one checking out his butt.” as they left the apologetic man said sorry and said that that was his a drunk neighbor that he didn’t really know. i didn’t know how to respond in the appropriate worker-customer context so i didn’t. i just sat their pissed off. now that i have that vented i feel somewhat better. i am going to say something about it today to my manger because i don’t think it is real clear what to do in that type of situation. I know one girl who was sexually harassed at work too and she didn’t really know what to do. i went into protective mode and got a supervisor but when i was in the situation i didn’t know how to respond and nobody else seemed to notice. (probably good to save me the embarrassment). if we were instructed in what to do, maybe given a 1,2,3, then it wouldn’t have been such an issue.
if you sifted through the ramble i honor your patience,
“one of the unpardonable sins, in the eyes of most people, is for a man to go about unlabeled. The world regards such a person as the police do an unmuzzled dog, not under proper control.”
T.H. Huxley, “Evolution and Ethics,” 1893
I should make a brief note that I don’t think “ex-gay” is a good label, as it is labeling something that shouldn’t be labled, canned and packaged-human sexuality. Nevertheless, I use it to give a quick and simple answer to those who want one and it probalbly the best, yet still poor, response who wants an answer to your sexuality in the modern understanding of “label everything please.” I also oppose it on the basis that as Christians our identiy if never in our sin and our old lives or in our sexuality but in Christ. At somepoint when I am further removed from same-sex struggles I will abandon this label and be glad about it. I am not embaressed of my sexuality, struggles with sexuality or my former identification as gay but for the above reasons I will be glad to abandon it. there.
Why I identify myself as ex-gay.
Can you be ex-gay? well yes, I am. The reason the gay community is so against the idea that you can change your sexuality is because that means it is not geneitic, or majorly genitic. If it is not geneitc or inborn it is not a civil rights issues and there is no basis for arguments for gay marriage, adoption or even viewing the gay lifestyle or realtionships as the same as that of heterosexual couples. It doesn’t really matter, however, what the gay community wants to belive about change- people are changing. I am one of many. I understand that ex-gay really isn’t the best way to describe my sexuality but it is the most simple. I am not gay, I am not straight or bi and not asexual. then what am I? I am the salt of the earth, I am a child of God. I don’t find my idenity in my sexuality but in Jesus Christ. Why do I call myself ex-gay then? again, it gives a simple answer to a person who wants a quick modern, constuctulized answer. i don’t really think in terms of sexual orientation because i don’t really believe in them. our sexulity as humans is much more molten then that and often stems from masculine and femmine shifts withing our soul. it also reflects the exprieances we have had concerning gender and masuclinity growing up.
How I am not gay.
well first of all if I am a follower of Jesus calling myself gay is really kind of contradictory because it is clinging to a label that refers to a lifestyle and habbits that displease God. I am not however bound to my sexual label. homosexulity is a repsentation of many ways in which we as human’s are broken. when I gave my life to Christ I was born again, the old things passed away and the new things came. i live in liberty from sin and so calling myself gay would be in a way binding me to that old life. Does this means Jesus doesn’t welcome gay people? By no means, in fact he pleads all the more to us/them so that he can be the healer of our souls and our sexual brokeness and resotore our idenity of whom we were created to be. since i gave Jesus permission to work healing in my and longed to follow him in discovering who he created me to be it was never about me becoming straight. it was about, God i have felt like in different ways i rejected my father, i have felt abandonment from him at times, what do i do with all the sexual confusion and pain brought on by the my molestation when i was four, what about rejection from male peers and me making my mother and female friends as role models will you sift through this all with me. will you please heal the plain. and the glorious thing is God has spoken and showed me were we was in all of this, and he has done real healing. its so amazing i don’t even know how to describe. there is such joy and freedom I have in being set free from the things from the past. as a result i have began to discover who i am as a male and how to apporiotly have a relationship with other men. i have started to long to eventually get married and have kids with my future wife and have started discovering the the mystery of he femine mystque. its quite beautiful how God has desighned us. in all this i don’t want to see you socially corrected- i could really care less what society thinks. i just want to see you healed and transformed into all that God made you to be. don’t take this as me saying oh God healed me of my homosexuality but rather throught the healing of my past and the enlightening of who I am made to be and who indeed i really am my sexual orientation has shifted. and the title gay/homosexual makes no sense.
why i am not straight.
part of this has to do with my tiff about labels but mostly because i am not exclusivly attracted to women, but am in a very different way that has been graciously untainted by lust. it is a very pure attraction that i hope to keep that way with the help of my Lord and Savoir. it is a very young way of seeing women because previously i had closed them off from the romance world. but for the most part things are the same becasue i am not looking to date anyone- i just notice attractable traits.
why i am not bisexual.
bisexual suggests i am content with attractions to men and women and will just pick whichever one i want when the time comes. if God intends me to marry it is a women in that we were chosen to become one. it isn’t just whoever i pick and it certaintly is not a male. am at crossroads and a shift which is why i used to tell many i am a Christian walking out of homosexuality becuase it represents motion but now that i no longer claim a homosexual title that no longer makes sense. my sexual attractions to men are always lustful and never acceptable, it is impossible for a homosexual attraction to not be lustful because you are always looking for something out of that person, trying to take some of their manness from them in one way or another this is true. you never are giving yourself to them. look at yaoi, most stories revolve around one guy manipulating the other. i am not trying to call you out as so bad, i have the same stuggles. realize however, true love is never selfish and question your motives next time you think about a boy in a sexual way. bisexual also suggests i am ready to have a sexual relationship with women. who said i was ready for anything sexual anyways? i havn’t even got all of myself figured out yet, yet alone trying to confound that with trying to understand another person and how i they fit together.
why i am not asexual.
if i was truely asexual i would have no sexual or emotional attractions- this is not true therefore i can’t be asexual. this does a good job of explaining however that i am chaste- i am take a step away from sexual urges and tides becasue my view of sexuality has been so jaeded by my molestation expreiances, homosexual feelings, lustful fantisies, pornography and homoerotic encounters.
Being ex-gay is not being in denial
I could say that being gay is in denial in a way, but that is not compassionate and i don’t really think that being gay is a concious form of denial. However I am not in denial. I am actually discovering who I really am without he lies Satan coming from my past deiveing me into thinking of myself that which i am not- inadequate as a male, not really as good as the hot guy overthere and the lie that i can somehow be sexually and relationally satisfied with the hot male over there.
what does it mean to be ex-gay?
“What is the meaning of this term that many people are using to announce that their life has been changed? To begin to understand the meaning of “ex-gay”, we can correlate it with the sanctification process described in I Cor 1:10, “Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us.”
The ex-gay knows that something has definitely happened in his life. Change has come. Perhaps the most important change is that he has come into agreement with God that homosexuality “misses the mark” which is the definition of sin. Attitudes have also changed, so that what was once called “love” is now seen as possessiveness. The ex-gay can agree with Paul, that he has been delivered.
So there is now a new position in Christ, where the ex-gay is freed from sin by the atoning blood of Jesus on the cross. God now views that person through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. At the same time, the change that we are experiencing is also a process of growth that goes along day by day, even minute by minute. ” -Frank Worthen
I am not depressed and since i have become ex-gay i have never been depressed like i was when i claimed gay identity. in fact i could say that i am also free of depression.
I should note that this was excerpt was taken from a blog discussion I had with a friend of mine so if it sounds extra-converational and “as in resopsne” thats why. Also, the part of “what does it mean to be ex-gay” is not mine but taken from a newletter I subscribe to, the author is given.
Grace and peace,