Monthly Archives: August 2007

A Brief Prelude

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This is the first entry of my blog writings while I am at Copehagen International Master’s Commision.  I leave Friday-two days.  I am very excited.  This blog is a place for…

  • Prayer Requests
  • Personal/spirtual reflections
  • Things going on at  CIMC
  • A way to communicate with friends and family
  • pictures
  • and video if the oppurtunity arises

This blog is primarliy going to be writing.  Current prayer requests are

  • That rest of the money come in (aka provision-that God will suply)
  • Prepardness- that everything will be in order ie. passport
  • I am trying to see if I can bring a bike and set up a phone there with a U.S. number to communicate with family while I am away
  • and last but not least, saftey while traveling

 

Thanks to all of you and God bless,

Spencer

 

 

 

 

 

 

edit for import.

sexual harrasment.

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well, last night i was sexually harassed at work.  i don’t want to make a big deal out of a little thing but at the same time I think it is important to share for awareness reasons.  As I was walking out of the store (getting carts, near closing) two gentlemen asked me if the store was still open.  I said that the store closed at ten thirty-three and therefore we were open, briefly.  Then one of them asked out loud (although not necessarily to me) if I was gay.  I just kind of shrugged it off and got carts.  I had a feeling that this was demoniacally motivated because it played right into the struggles I was having those very moments and throughout the last week or so which consisted of whether or not people perceive me as gay or effeminate not and in all honesty what it would be like if I went to going back to living a gay lifestyle (maybe a “gay Christian).  Not that I was really thinking about doing this but a lot of doubts have been plaguing my mind and i just was thinking about as to “what would it be like.”  I was also thinking of this because I have met a couple people who are gay and “Christian” and don’t see a problem with it at all.  It was in the midst of all of these struggles that the incident with the two men occurred.  After I brought in the full number of carts I went to the bathroom and headed back to my registrar.  By this time these two men were bagging their groceries so I helped them.  It become more clear that they (or at least one of them) was intoxicated.  (this all supports my brought open by demonic influence theory since drugs act as venues to aid demonic activity).  One of them was trying to apologize for his friend and his friend was like “what, you were the one who asked him if he was gay.” and then the other guy was like “you were the one checking out his butt.”  as they left the apologetic man said sorry and said that that was his a drunk neighbor that he didn’t really know.  i didn’t know how to respond in the appropriate worker-customer context so i didn’t.  i just sat their pissed off.  now that i have that vented i feel somewhat better.  i am going to say something about it today to my manger because i don’t think it is real clear what to do in that type of situation.  I know one girl who was sexually harassed at work too and she didn’t really know what to do.  i went into protective mode and got a supervisor but when i was in the situation i didn’t know how to respond and nobody else seemed to notice.  (probably good to save me the embarrassment).  if we were instructed in what to do, maybe given a 1,2,3, then it wouldn’t have been such an issue. 

well anyways, 

if you sifted through the ramble i honor your patience,

peace,
Spencer

Why I identify as ex-gay.

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“one of the unpardonable sins, in the eyes of most people, is for a man to go about unlabeled. The world regards such a person as the police do an unmuzzled dog, not under proper control.”
T.H. Huxley, “Evolution and Ethics,” 1893

I should make a brief note that I don’t think “ex-gay” is a good label, as it is labeling something that shouldn’t be labled, canned and packaged-human sexuality.  Nevertheless, I use it to give a quick and simple answer to those who want one and it probalbly the best, yet still poor, response who wants an answer to your sexuality in the modern understanding of “label everything please.”  I also oppose it on the basis that as Christians our identiy if never in our sin and our old lives or in our sexuality but in Christ.  At somepoint when I am further removed from same-sex struggles I will abandon this label and be glad about it.  I am not embaressed of my sexuality, struggles with sexuality or my former identification as gay but for the above reasons I will be glad to abandon it.  there.

Why I identify myself as ex-gay.

Can you be ex-gay? well yes, I am. The reason the gay community is so against the idea that you can change your sexuality is because that means it is not geneitic, or majorly genitic. If it is not geneitc or inborn it is not a civil rights issues and there is no basis for arguments for gay marriage, adoption or even viewing the gay lifestyle or realtionships as the same as that of heterosexual couples. It doesn’t really matter, however, what the gay community wants to belive about change- people are changing. I am one of many. I understand that ex-gay really isn’t the best way to describe my sexuality but it is the most simple. I am not gay, I am not straight or bi and not asexual. then what am I? I am the salt of the earth, I am a child of God. I don’t find my idenity in my sexuality but in Jesus Christ. Why do I call myself ex-gay then? again, it gives a simple answer to a person who wants a quick modern, constuctulized answer. i don’t really think in terms of sexual orientation because i don’t really believe in them. our sexulity as humans is much more molten then that and often stems from masculine and femmine shifts withing our soul. it also reflects the exprieances we have had concerning gender and masuclinity growing up.

How I am not gay.

well first of all if I am a follower of Jesus calling myself gay is really kind of contradictory because it is clinging to a label that refers to a lifestyle and habbits that displease God. I am not however bound to my sexual label. homosexulity is a repsentation of many ways in which we as human’s are broken. when I gave my life to Christ I was born again, the old things passed away and the new things came. i live in liberty from sin and so calling myself gay would be in a way binding me to that old life. Does this means Jesus doesn’t welcome gay people? By no means, in fact he pleads all the more to us/them so that he can be the healer of our souls and our sexual brokeness and resotore our idenity of whom we were created to be. since i gave Jesus permission to work healing in my and longed to follow him in discovering who he created me to be it was never about me becoming straight. it was about, God i have felt like in different ways i rejected my father, i have felt abandonment from him at times, what do i do with all the sexual confusion and pain brought on by the my molestation when i was four, what about rejection from male peers and me making my mother and female friends as role models will you sift through this all with me. will you please heal the plain. and the glorious thing is God has spoken and showed me were we was in all of this, and he has done real healing. its so amazing i don’t even know how to describe. there is such joy and freedom I have in being set free from the things from the past. as a result i have began to discover who i am as a male and how to apporiotly have a relationship with other men. i have started to long to eventually get married and have kids with my future wife and have started discovering the the mystery of he femine mystque. its quite beautiful how God has desighned us. in all this i don’t want to see you socially corrected- i could really care less what society thinks. i just want to see you healed and transformed into all that God made you to be. don’t take this as me saying oh God healed me of my homosexuality but rather throught the healing of my past and the enlightening of who I am made to be and who indeed i really am my sexual orientation has shifted. and the title gay/homosexual makes no sense.

why i am not straight.

part of this has to do with my tiff about labels but mostly because i am not exclusivly attracted to women, but am in a very different way that has been graciously untainted by lust. it is a very pure attraction that i hope to keep that way with the help of my Lord and Savoir. it is a very young way of seeing women because previously i had closed them off from the romance world. but for the most part things are the same becasue i am not looking to date anyone- i just notice attractable traits.

why i am not bisexual.

bisexual suggests i am content with attractions to men and women and will just pick whichever one i want when the time comes. if God intends me to marry it is a women in that we were chosen to become one. it isn’t just whoever i pick and it certaintly is not a male. am at crossroads and a shift which is why i used to tell many i am a Christian walking out of homosexuality becuase it represents motion but now that i no longer claim a homosexual title that no longer makes sense. my sexual attractions to men are always lustful and never acceptable, it is impossible for a homosexual attraction to not be lustful because you are always looking for something out of that person, trying to take some of their manness from them in one way or another this is true. you never are giving yourself to them. look at yaoi, most stories revolve around one guy manipulating the other. i am not trying to call you out as so bad, i have the same stuggles. realize however, true love is never selfish and question your motives next time you think about a boy in a sexual way. bisexual also suggests i am ready to have a sexual relationship with women. who said i was ready for anything sexual anyways? i havn’t even got all of myself figured out yet, yet alone trying to confound that with trying to understand another person and how i they fit together.

why i am not asexual.

if i was truely asexual i would have no sexual or emotional attractions- this is not true therefore i can’t be asexual. this does a good job of explaining however that i am chaste- i am take a step away from sexual urges and tides becasue my view of sexuality has been so jaeded by my molestation expreiances, homosexual feelings, lustful fantisies, pornography and homoerotic encounters.

Being ex-gay is not being in denial

I could say that being gay is in denial in a way, but that is not compassionate and i don’t really think that being gay is a concious form of denial. However I am not in denial. I am actually discovering who I really am without he lies Satan coming from my past deiveing me into thinking of myself that which i am not- inadequate as a male, not really as good as the hot guy overthere and the lie that i can somehow be sexually and relationally satisfied with the hot male over there.

what does it mean to be ex-gay?

“What is the meaning of this term that many people are using to announce that their life has been changed? To begin to understand the meaning of “ex-gay”, we can correlate it with the sanctification process described in I Cor 1:10, “Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us.”

The ex-gay knows that something has definitely happened in his life. Change has come. Perhaps the most important change is that he has come into agreement with God that homosexuality “misses the mark” which is the definition of sin. Attitudes have also changed, so that what was once called “love” is now seen as possessiveness. The ex-gay can agree with Paul, that he has been delivered.

So there is now a new position in Christ, where the ex-gay is freed from sin by the atoning blood of Jesus on the cross. God now views that person through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. At the same time, the change that we are experiencing is also a process of growth that goes along day by day, even minute by minute. ” -Frank Worthen

I am not depressed and since i have become ex-gay i have never been depressed like i was when i claimed gay identity. in fact i could say that i am also free of depression.

 

I should note that this was excerpt was taken from a blog discussion I had with a friend of mine so if it sounds extra-converational and “as in resopsne” thats why.  Also, the part of “what does it mean to be ex-gay” is not mine but taken from a newletter I subscribe to, the author is given. 

 

Grace and peace,

Spencer

prayer log

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Star date 4:36 of the clock on the the sixteenth of august in the two thousandth and seventh year of our Lord





It is the year of my graduation
and I am a graduate.  I just wasted a bunch of time looking for an old
journal that I can “finish.”  I have two to find and one I may finish
the other I may keep at is it, memories from the past.  At least I am
writing.  anyways this is a prayer journal even be it a digital one. 


prayer log

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Star date 4:36 of the clock on the the sixteenth of august in the two thousandth and seventh year of our Lord





It is the year of my graduation
and I am a graduate.  I just wasted a bunch of time looking for an old
journal that I can “finish.”  I have two to find and one I may finish
the other I may keep at is it, memories from the past.  At least I am
writing.  anyways this is a prayer journal even be it a digital one. 

lord God, i am just so glad to be here. in your presence again.  its
been like forever, since i have wanted it so bad like i do now.  i
don’t know why i have been so limp, so lazy and slothful.  i don’t know
why i have been stubborn to attend to your heart and why i run and be
just like the world.  Father forgive me for this and all of my
inadequacies and sin.  how do i long, oh lord God how do i long for
you.  you are the source of all of my desire and the my greatest need. 
oh lord you be my comfort and refuge.  i have a lot to think of, to lay
before you at your feet.  master’s commission, Copenhagen, Europe,
travel, distance, money, provision, life, holiness, my eyes, my heart. 
oh how i yearn for you, to be your servant and to be pure in heart that
i may see you.  oh God have mercy.  forgive me of all of my sin and
purify me from all unrighteousness.  you, you alone are God.  no man,
not his body, his voice, form, charm, charisma, looks, smile, eyes,
touch or hands is anything but only that.  men are only men made unto
your image.  not to be worshiped as idols but to be loved as you love
us.  and oh God, you above all things are my one and only love.  Lord
Jesus, I write to you, speak to you.  seated at the right hand of God
and here in me by your Spirit.  oh God of majesty and yet here in this
place how i long to worship you.  to attend your feet, oh God how i do
love.  not just words but trust and action. God this is my heart to
serve and to know you and you and you.  Oh God you are my refuge and my
salvation in you i take delight as you dwell in my inner being yet you
encompassed all and are encompassed by none.  only in you infinite 
humility did you come down and be man to die for us and our salvation. 
Lord Jesus, come quickly. 

Spencer I am here, I am in this
place.  I the Lord have called you and from within you and from the
highest heavens I have longed to be with you as you are with me now. 
Spencer, don’t worry about these things bu fix your eyes on on me and
set  your heart to my voice.  I am the Lord who speaks over you and
calls you out.  I am alone am God and before me there was no one else. 
Spencer, I am here.  Listen and heed my voice and you will find your
dreams, your wildest dreams come true.  Spencer, I am the Lord.  Have
patience with my voice and have patience with me.  For I work gently
and with care with my handiwork that it would not be found in it an
imperfection.  And for my sake I work gently and with care because I
bid.  I bid that this be so that my work is both delicate and gentle to
enter time and history and into you to work in you and not break you. 
That the refining fire would not kill you.  But the demons that
surround you are no more of concern because my winnowing fork has been
released on them and the fire of my anger is not far from them.  But do
not concern yourselves with such things that you may go off on
distracted courses.  Go to my Word and attend my voice as I speak to
and over your heart.  Oh Spencer, I have chosen this way to commune
with you and that is in y sacred heart.  Do not forget how we met
there.  Do not forget all I have showed you and told you but attend to
it and be obedient.  Serve me and all the rest will be given you.  I am
the Lord, I have spoken. 

God please save my
friends.  Father, save my entire family.  I lift up to you Marcus and
Allie.  God I pray for Alli, Lord Jesus God, that you would set her
free God.  That you would let her soar and be free God.  God I pray
that you will loose the bondage that is holding her captive and
enslaved to sin.  God set her free.  God, the lust and the drugs and
alcohol and tobacco.  So many things have mastery her.  God but you
proclaim freedom to the captive and you have broken the chains of
bondage.  Oh risen Christ who has defeated both sin and death, bring
your victory and promise of salvation to fruit in Alli’s life, God. 
God I pray that you would redeem her.  God speak to her.  Let her know
how much God, how much you love her and have plans for her and how you
want to adorn as a daughter and princess in the Kingdom of God.  Let
her know, let her know the truth and open her eyes and ears.  Speak to
her and may the truth set her free.  In the name of Jesus.  God I also
lift up Marcus that you would guide him in his new walk with you.  Give
him the desire to be holy, to be pure and to seek your face and the
things of you oh God.  I continue to lift up Kyra E that you would
strengthen her relationship with you and keep her in your grace.  Give
her a reverence for your Word oh Lord God.  Set her free God from
whatever it is in her that says she it not good enough for you God.  No
one is, but you have called and you have spoken.  And you oh God are
Lord and King.  King of kings and Lord of lords I come before your 
throne to ask that you would guide and bring Danni into restored
seeking of you.  She became a new believer but she has not been
discipled and I have not been able to get a hold of her.  Give me the
chance before I leave God.  Strengthen Amanda as she is part of the
E-free youth group and may it not be about religion but about a real
relationship with you God.  Go forth by your Spirit and call Matt
Mickie to humility and to be a  servant of you, a friend and one who
seeks you Lord Jesus.  And Rick, God, who needs to know you and not
just believe that you exist.  For you have said even the demon’s
believe and tremble but you desire our hearts.  God open Rick’s heart
to you God.  May he desire more out of life and may life and creation
reveal more to him.  And may it be truth and not falsehood.  God, draw
him to you and to the truth.  God, move and break the strongholds in
Nick’s life.  Set him free from the drug addictions and from all the
lies that hold him in bondage.  Open his heart to the truth and to your
Word and you.  Till the soil of his heart.  Pour water to make soft and
nutrient filled Michelle Young’s heart.  She is apathetic to the truth
and bitter but I don’t know why.  Holy Spirit you know all things, do a
work in her.  Destroy the lie of apathy and bind the spirit of
bitterness Lord in the name of Jesus.  Also I lift up Issac, Brian and
Joe as well as the other guys who heard our testimony may that Word
which went forth accomplish what it was set out to do.  It will not
come back without harvest in the name of Jesus.  Work in Issac’s heart
and open him to you, draw him to the Scriptures and even in the Jewish
context make in hungry for your things and things relating to you oh
God.  I also lift up missionary families and ministries that are in my
Bible including the Francisco’s, Faith in Action and Barbara Cavannes. 
Also be with Diandra and let her know your presence with her at Christ
for the Nations Lord I pray in the name of Jesus.  Draw Brodi and Vince
to know you more God.  Heal the women at work and go with me as I
prepare to work and serve today.  I be filled with your fruit of love,
joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and
self-control.  May my eyes and heart be pure before you.  Help me to
reclaim time tonight Lord Jesus.  In your mighty name Lord God.  All
glory and honor to you forever, Amen.